“Be nicer to me” is pretty hard to evaluate. “I want you to stop putting me down” is better, but still difficult to call out. Something like, “You cannot keep bringing up how I don’t make as much money as I should—especially in front of my spouse” or, “I do not want you to interrupt me in front of others to talk about yourself” will work.
“I’ve tried to let it go, but I just can’t. You have to stop putting me down at family events. It’s completely unacceptable. ” “You cannot give me unsolicited advice about raising my kids. I’m their parent, not you, and this needs to stop now. ” “Stop acting like a victim when I don’t drop everything I’m doing to help you out. I’m tired of it and I’m not putting up with it anymore. ”
“If you don’t stop putting me down in front of others, I won’t invite you to family events. That’s it. No more Thanksgiving, no more Christmas, and no more annual barbeque. ” “If you keep telling me how to raise my kids, they simply won’t be visiting grandpa and grandma anymore. ” “If you keep playing the victim card, I simply won’t offer to help with anything. The next time you need me to give you a ride or fix your internet, you can just call someone else. ”
Phrases like, “This is non-negotiable,” “It’s not up for discussion,” and, “I’ve made my mind up” are going to be your best friend here. The more info you give them regarding your reasons here, the more room they’ll have to try and argue.
Narcissists often try to quarrel to gain control, so take that power away from them. Ignore it when they try to play the victim card. If they throw out counterarguments or try to intimidate you, do not get baited into responding. Remember, you aren’t negotiating here. These boundaries are concrete and you can’t let them think there’s any chance you’ll change your mind.
If your boundary focuses on negative comments in front of family and they start talking about how successful they were at your age, butt in with a, “Hey. Careful. ” Even a raised eyebrow can send the signal that they shouldn’t push it further. If they text you after midnight asking for help with something trivial, reply, “I’m going to bed. We’re not doing this. ”
If they show some actual reform in the future, you can reverse the decision. The important thing here is that they know you’ll enforce the consequence, but letting it go if they apologize or actually stop is fair.
You can ask them to hang out more often, call them just to talk, or take them out to eat at their favorite restaurant. It can be hard to do this if you’ve got a lot of pent-up anger towards your narcissistic parent. If they’re genuinely making an attempt to do better, you should too. If you need help letting it go, talking to a therapist or counselor may help.
Don’t beat yourself up if it gets this far. You have nothing to feel bad about if you need some space[16] X Expert Source Sarah Schewitz, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 April 2019. Some people cut their narcissist parents off altogether. If you think this is the healthiest thing for you, don’t beat yourself up about it. [17] X Research source
Seeing a therapist can really help, especially if you find it emotionally taxing to deal with your parents. You may be surprised, but this is a very common problem, and a therapist will be able to offer insight. [19] X Research source
